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SAMANTHA IN SOUTH CAROLINA ASKS:
Do you have tips for what to do about the holiday gifts my family won’t use because they’re not good for the environment or our health? I probably sound ungrateful. I know gifts aren’t supposed to be what you’d buy yourself, but also we don’t want plastic toys or scented body creams and candles. My in-laws love to buy these kinds of holiday presents! What should I do?
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MOM DETECTIVE ANSWERS:
Oh, Samantha, you’re speaking my language. Most people worry about discussing politics during the holidays. Me, I fear plastic gifts! It’s a conundrum. If you speak up before gift-giving season, you risk sounding ungrateful. If you don’t say anything, you’ll likely have a bunch of wasteful stuff to deal with.
Before I share my strategies for holiday gift giving and receiving, I want to tell you you’re not alone. You’re not being rude or picky or ungrateful. Consumerism is out of control. Kids today get a lot more stuff than ever before. These seemingly innocuous gifts can and do contain a wide range of potentially unhealthy ingredients, including carcinogens, hormone-disrupting chemicals, and well, who knows what? Have you ever seen a toy with an ingredient list?
While it seems like the most obvious thing in the world that your loved ones wouldn’t want to gift you and your kids toxic chemicals for the holidays, somehow it isn’t. I have fought with beloveds who felt my daughters “deserved” toxic plastic dolls that I wouldn’t buy them. I’m shaking my head as I type this. What?!
So here are some holiday gift ideas I have come up with over the years to address exactly the pickle you describe. Some things have worked well, others only lasted one season. Keep in mind that progress is rarely linear and gift givers slip up. Give everyone grace if you can. Hopefully, something below will brighten your holidays:
1. Communicate
The majority of consumers, including your in-laws, are just not aware that what’s on an American store shelf didn’t have to be proven safe for health prior to sale. In a nonjudgy way, educate your friends and family! Let them know that there are potentially unsafe chemicals in those scented body creams and air pollutants in those candles. Talk to them about why plastic is harmful—from manufacture to landfill. Explain that there’s science behind your decision to let your kids play mostly with unpainted wooden blocks. If anyone seems interested, pop some popcorn and watch an environmental health documentary with them. (I was interviewed in Stink!, a good one on dangerous chemical ingredients, especially fragrance formulas, hidden in everyday consumer products.)
Your goal is to encourage curiosity and dialogue, but not debate. One random uncle will always say, “I grew up chewing on my plastic toy, and I’m just fine!” Don’t waste your time there.
2. Suggest
In my experience, people respond better to invitations and ideas than being told what to do. In my 19 years of motherhood, I have tried both approaches, so this is hard-won information. “Hey, let’s do a buy-nothing year, what do you think?” is a great invitation in, and it’s also a question that starts a much-needed conversation about gifts.
I also love suggesting “experience vs. stuff” holiday gift giving. This means everyone in a family or friend group (or both) buys or offers each other experiences: movie or theater tickets, gift certificates to restaurants or spas, a shared vacation trip, free babysitting IOUs, etc. It’s such a flexible category of giving, works with a wide range of budgets, supports local businesses, and gives people agency.
Some family members will bristle at no toys for kids to unwrap. OK, fine! Expect feedback and try not to be a control freak. This could be an experience-only for adults and gifts-plus-some-experiences for the kids plan.
3. Be brutally honest
Samantha, speaking of controlling, I’ll admit I have told everyone in my life not to buy us plastic toys as well as scented creams and candles: my parents, in-laws, and friends. I have sent exact lists of what to purchase for my kids and what I wouldn’t mind having myself (presents for adults are lovely, but not mandatory in my book). I am shameless. And as a result, I have “trained” people pretty well! Still, no one likes this about me. If you’re game to be unpopular, give this route a try. I was never brave enough to tell my kids’ classmates’ families what gifts to bring to a birthday party, but hats off to a mom I once knew who demanded books only. My kids refused—and I listened. About 90% of the plastic toys in our house have come in on birthdays.
4. Lead by example
I gift (mostly) what I would love to get. Sometimes this inspires people. It’s a mindset shift to find eco-friendly gifts that don’t pollute indoor air if you’ve never considered such a thing before. But I’ve seen more than a few people open my gifts (wrapped in reused paper or cloth) and clue-in that way.
For people with outdoor space, I love seeds, bulbs, or gift certificates to local native plant nurseries. For drinkers, I will buy a natural wine or an organic tequila. For foodies, I send organic seasonal fruit that isn’t grown on the East Coast (where I live)—such a luxury. For people who want a giant pile of kids’ presents, I do buy new items, but I also wrap hand-me-downs in good shape for extras. Secondhand gifts, including used books and puzzles, are fabulous. I wish I were crafty because I love handmade gifts.
There’s fun to be had gift-giving in this plastic- and perfume-free realm, and I try to demonstrate this with my presents.
5. Regift
When, inevitably, we get presents we won’t use in our home, even if they contain chemicals I personally avoid, I regift them on our local Buy Nothing Facebook group or donate to a local shelter. I have misgivings about this. What’s bad for my family is also bad for any family. Still, I feel dumping something in a landfill isn’t better than offering it to another human. It’s an imperfect system.
If you would like to change the system so our everyday products won’t contain (as many) toxic chemicals, you can join Moms Clean Air Force to demand our elected officials enact the strongest possible consumer products laws. Happy holidays!